For my 40th birthday, I rent the garden lights I’ve always wanted. Rana organizes a “surprise” party because I asked her to; I called her one day and said, “I swear to God if you let my husband do this … .” There are balloons, a sparkly backdrop for photographs, roses, candles and a white cake that says, “Forty & Fabulous.” We dance endlessly, sweat, laugh, drink, smoke. I sing “My Way” into a white flower. Each of my friends speaks about me to Hind’s camera (the footage would be my birthday gift from her): Farah says I’m one of the craziest; Rana says I’m her backbone. When it’s my turn to speak, I cry and say I’m leaving. At 3 a.m., I spit out the temporary crown on one of my molars as I eat chocolate cake. Farah films this amid hysterical laughter. When I finish eating cake, I wash the crown and place it back into my mouth. Farah sleeps on the blue sofa.

I’ve been telling Farah I’m considering a tattoo: “Ibqi ala al-khat” (stay the course), inspired by “The Blue Light,” Hussein Barghouti’s book (her favorite), which she gifted me for my birthday. In one scene, he looks at himself in the mirror and repeats the phrase so he doesn’t lose his mind. Marwan makes fun of me, saying this sounds like one of those trucker slogans from Lebanon: mahrooseh or “ridaaki ya immi”. I get mad at him for ruining what I thought was a great idea, though maybe I am, in some way, a heavy truck on an endless highway, trying to stay the course. The truth is, I was never courageous enough to have anything permanent on my skin because I change my mind often.

What’s Cool Lately

Designers and creatives collaborated to redesign the UN's logo based on projections for rising sea levels. They've reshaped coastlines and omitted certain countries, like the Maldives, from the illustrated world map to reflect how the world might look in 2100.

Looking for a last-minute gift for a budding art historian or enthusiast? Here are picks for the best art books in 2023.

Moment of Inspiration

If your social feeds are anything like ours, it’s hard to feel hopeful when the world is in crisis. And it’s times like these that we turn to art. Meet and see work from seven Palestinian artists you need to know about. As AD Middle East muses:

Art can change the world, and as these Palestinian artists are proof, it can also unravel the path to healing, transformation and greater understanding.

Open Calls & Opportunities

🖼️ The NYSCA/NYFA Artist Fellowship is an $8,000 USD unrestricted cash grant available to artists living in New York State and/or one of the Tribal Nations located therein. This grant is awarded in fifteen different disciplines over a three-year period (five categories a year) and the application is free to complete. Application deadline: Wednesday, 13 December 2023.

🎵 The New Music Creator Fund offers grants to individual music creators working in any genre who need support to get to the next stage of their creative practice. The program will support costs which relate to collaboration with other artists and practitioners. Application deadline: Thursday, 14 December 2023.

🎨 The Orange County Public Art Review Board seeks one or more artists or artist team(s) to develop artwork for Orange County's Innovation Lab located in the well-established suburb of Pine Hills. Application deadline: Wednesday, 27 December 2023.

✨ MyMA Artist Grant is a monthly juried grant that provides an unrestricted $500 USD award to one artist each month. In addition to the winner, their independent jurors recognize 5 artists as honorable mentions for each edition. Application deadline: Monday, 1 January 2024.

I always heard that you shouldn’t “peak” in high school because the rest of your life will be a struggle. But I couldn’t help being jealous of my peers who seemed to have it together. Funny. Great at soccer. Pretty. It became even harder not to compare myself to them when I was one of the few Asian American girls at my school, and I definitely stood out. But not in the way I wanted to.

It wasn’t until junior year of college, when I studied abroad in Europe, that I felt confident in my own skin. I joke that it was my “glow up” year, but I think the difference is that I stopped hiding. I was in a foreign country with new friends, and truthfully, I had nothing to lose. This energy followed me that summer when I got an internship of a lifetime in Southern California. I was working at a TV production office with red-dyed hair, hanging out by the beach on the weekends, and looking out at a horizon that seemed to stretch on forever.

This year, I turn 30. It’s almost like I’m back to my school years, navigating another pivotal moment in my life. My interests have changed. My old jeans don’t fit like they used to. I’m talking about starting a family with my husband. There’s a lot of growing still left for me to do, but I’m actually excited for it.

“Peaking” is something I don’t think I ever want to achieve. Even when I’m 80 years old and more settled in my life, I want to still feel like I’m learning and growing. I want to keep having summers of new discoveries.

— Ruth Guerra, Founder of Cool Girls Co

What’s Cool Lately

German-American award-winning illustrator Nora Krung depicts a year of war through two visual accounts from Ukraine and Russia in her new book. Last year, Krung started text messaging with Russian-born Ukranian journalist K, and D, a Russian artist from St Petersburg. In the book, Krung illustrates K and D’s daily lives, while exploring the impact of the war on their overall wellbeing. “How does it change their relationship to their families and their sense of cultural belonging?” she asks.

We might be entering the last few days of spooky season, but photos live on forever. Here are 10 photobooks that will extend the nightmarish spirit well into the new year.

Moment of Inspiration

Hundreds of large-scale artworks grace an Australian Beach for the largest outdoor sculpture park in the world (though only temporary), Sculpture by the Sea. According to Colossal:

From a beefy seated gorilla to a sleek shell with human legs, a spectacular collection of public artworks currently populates the walk from Bondi to Tanarama beaches on Australia’s coast. Celebrating its 25th year in this location, the annual Sculpture by the Sea festival showcases more than 100 pieces in various mediums, styles, and sizes, all bordering the Pacific Ocean.

Open Calls & Opportunities

🏛️ The G. & A. Mamidakis Foundation Art Prize calls for site specific artworks created to be part of a configured environment; works which narrate an internal path/route, and which can be reference points/landmarks within their exhibition space. Application deadline: Friday, 15 December 2023.

🎨 The Fulcrum Fund provides grants to artists and artist collectives of $2,000 to $10,00 USD. It’s an annual grant program created and administered by 516 ARTS as a partner in the Regional Regranting Program of The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts. Application deadline: Wednesday, 20 December 2023.

🧑‍🎨 Applications are now open for the Artist Studios at MAD, a community engagement and professional development program for contemporary artists and designers. The full-time MAD Artist Fellow will receive a $15,000 USD, while two Artist Studios residents receive a $5,200 USD stipend. Application deadline: Sunday, 7 January 2024.

🎓 The Core Program awards residencies to exceptional, highly motivated visual artists and critical writers who have completed their undergraduate or graduate training and are working to develop a sustainable practice. Residents receive a $20,000 USD stipend, 24-hour access to a private studio or office, and borrowing privileges at the MFAH Hirsch Library and Rice University Fondren Library. Application deadline: Monday, 1 April 2024.

As a reader, I want to feel. However, I don’t want to be told when and what to feel. Poems by poets who write against sentimentality often end up lacking sentiment altogether. Whereas sentimentality is contrived, designed to elicit a specific response at a specific time—the cued music on a television show that tells the audience when to clap or cry, sentiment is real feeling. Poets like Lucille Clifton, Vievee Francis, Brigit Pegeen Kelly, Sharon Olds, and Matthew Olzmann write poems with heart and gut. Everything these poets have written comes to mind…

I truly believe that poetry is drawn from the collective and colored by the individual. Though we have immediate access to images provided by personal experience, such as the time and place in which we exist and the circumstances into which we were born, the I, by virtue of its humanness, is the we. Whether we know it or not, we access a history much older than ourselves and geographies beyond ourselves. That said, “beautiful distance” is natural. This distance, I think, is in all poems, including “the first person who will live to be a hundred and fifty years old has already been born” and “in defense of ‘candelabra with head.’” Distance gives us the opportunity to see ourselves objectively.

What’s Cool Lately

According to the website of NExSE (northeast US by southeast Asia), a Filipino-American artist collective, “Filipinos in the US make up the second largest Asian population group … [yet their] art remains invisible.” So in honor of Filipino American heritage month, take a look at how FilAm artists are connecting and creating by drawing inspiration from their rich history.

At Cool Girls Co, we celebrate all types of creativity — from arts to sciences and even to economics. Harvard economist Claudia Goldin was recently awarded the Nobel in economics, making her the first woman to win the prize solo. But this isn’t just a win for Goldin; it’s also a win for women everywhere, as her work “took on the subject of women in the labor market at a time when much of the field's empirical analysis ignored women entirely.”

Moment of Inspiration

@nolatheiggyNo better way to kick of the first day of fall than a ghost photoshoot👻🍂 #iggy #italiangreyhound #ghostphotoshoot #dogsoftiktok

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What’s a better way to celebrate Friday the 13th than admiring some spooky pups? We can only hope this trend turns into fluffy snowmen by winter…

Open Calls & Opportunities

🖼️ Open Source Gallery invites applications that are aligned with their mission to observe the social environment we are surrounded by. They are looking for artists from around the world practicing in any form of media, ranging from painting to installation to performance art with an emphasis on experimentation, sustainability, and social engagement. Application deadline: Friday, 13 October 2023 at 11:59PM ET. 

🎭 The City of Los Angeles IMAP Grant Program allows accomplished artists, who are residents of LA, to create a new mid-career solo work with the freedom to re-focus on themselves and their core impulses. Approximately 6-12 artists will receive $10,000 USD. Open to designers/visual artists, literary artists, and performing artists. Application deadline: Monday, 6 November 2023 at 11:59PM PT.

🎨 The Library, Arts & Culture Department of the City of Glendale is accepting proposals for creative crosswalk murals. Artists of all artistic genres, arts organizations, or schools may submit proposals, with a preference towards artists local to Glendale, California. The design conceptualization budget should be between $1,000 - $15,000 USD. Application deadline: Friday, 17 November 2023 at 5:00PM PT.

🧑‍🎨 DMOS Art School has extended their deadline for a contest aimed at young artists. K-5th grade artists located in New York are eligible for cash prizes ranging from $75 - $300 USD. Application deadline: Friday, 17 November 2023.

Now, I’m in Georgia visiting my parents, and I can’t believe how many houses already have Halloween decor up — much less all the things we’ve turned pumpkin spice flavored. It’s a reminder that we’re entering truly the best season of the year: Fall. 🍁

So bundle up and rewatch your favorite season of Gilmore Girls. Is it basic? Maybe. But it sure is coooozzyyyyy!

— Ruth Guerra, Founder of Cool Girls Co

What’s Cool Lately

Olivia Rodrigo released her new album Guts earlier this year, and we still can’t get enough. The opening track is iconic for how it feels to be a young woman today.

Tour model’s Adwoa Aboah delightfully British and quirky townhouse. We LOVE that she collects and showcases her fridge magnets.

Up for a reading challenge? If you’re into Gilmore Girls but need a break from Netflix, here are most of the books mentioned on the show that Rory definitely recommends.

Moment of Inspiration

Every year, I look forward to attending Signal, a festival of digital and creative culture that welcomes more than 4.5 million visitors in Prague. So in honor of this year’s showcase, take a look back at past works of wonder.

Open Calls & Opportunities

🎵 The Ellis-Beauregard Foundation is hosting an award open to composers who currently live in the United States, ages 18 and over. Composers may be in any stage of their careers. The award consists of a $50,000 USD commission to compose a new orchestral work, 15 to 20 minutes in length, to be premiered by the Bangor Symphony Orchestra during their ’24-’25 season. Application deadline: 1 October 2023.

🦅 The Marilyn Newmark Memorial Grant is a $5,000 USD prize for a sculptor, specializing in animal sculpture, who has demonstrated a commitment to sculpting and outstanding ability in his/her/their body of work. Application deadline: 9 October 2023.

🖼️ Open Source invites applications from global artists practicing in any form of media: painting to installation to performance art with an emphasis on experimentation, sustainability, and social engagement. Application deadline: 13 October 2023.

What’s Cool Lately

As long-time fans of Petra Collins and her evocative photographs, we’re glad she’s making waves this week. You can thank Collins for being the first to capture the “Euphoria aesthetic” (as we now know it). Her resurfaced interview with Punkt demonstrates how big studios continue to rip off indie artists and how women creatives are too often at the receiving end of this troubling behavior. But it also celebrates the mesmerizing breadth of her work.

Award shows are always a lil’ chaotic, and this year’s MTV VMAs was no different. From “malfunctioning” sets to the return of NSYNC, catch up on highlights you might’ve missed so you can join in the convos this week.

Moment of Inspiration

Are rebrands starting to look the same? Graphic designer and writer Elizabeth Goodspeed muses on the fragility of original designs within the commercialized branding world. She writes in an article for It’s Nice That:

Commercial art is in a bind; clients’ increasing reliance on venture capital and fast returns has pressured designers to deliver work ever-quicker and more predictably. Coupled with post-Covid economic tensions and an impending recession, originality has become a gamble. Studios can hesitate to push boundaries, especially if they doubt a client's willingness to buy into something more experimental.

Open Calls & Opportunities

🖊️ The Museum Dhondt-Dhaenens present a Writing Residency in Belgium between 24 November and 22 December 2023. This residency allows an artist to further their writing practice. Application deadline: 15 September 2023.

📚 The South Asian American Digital Archive invites applications for the fifth cohort of their Archival Creators Fellowship Program. This year’s fellowship theme is intersections. Fellows will each receive a $5,000 USD stipend, $1,500 USD project budget, and $1,000 USD advisory group budget, along with travel expenses for the in-person convening in Philadelphia. Application deadline: 1 October 2023.

🏛️ The Bruce Museum is excited to accept applications for their inaugural Artist-in-Residency program. Through the support of the Art Bridges Foundation, the Bruce Museum will host one Artist-in-Residence for a period of nine months in Connecticut. Application deadline: 7 October 2023 by 11:59pm EST.

‍🔬 Located in Switzerland, the Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne/Swiss Federal Institute of Technology Lausanne is now welcoming proposals for the 2024–25 edition of the Enter the Hyper-Scientific program. The program promotes artistic research and experimentation that connects art, humanities, science, and technology by supporting up to four artists for three-month residencies at the EPFL. Application deadline: 16 October 2023 by 11:59pm CEST.

You know what sucks about running a community online? How expensive everything is. From platform fees to other miscellaneous costs, it takes a lot to get all the parts running and keep resources free for you. So that’s why we’ve moved to Substack, a more cost-effective place to host everything. And we mean eeeeverything.

Here you’ll find all the nooks and corners of Cool Girls Co: our newsletters, While You Create podcast, and access to the Creators’ Market (now hosted on Etsy). Since you were an email subscriber on our old platform, we’ve migrated you over to this new one. There’s nothing else you need to do other than to sit back and relax. 🌴

We’re in the process of getting back to our regular cadence since the big move — so hang in there with us! And if you have friends who could use a dose of creativity:

Share Cool Girls Co

What’s Cool Lately

SPACE10 — “a research and design lab on a mission to create a better everyday life for people and the planet” — closed last week after almost ten years in operation. Although we’re bummed about it, they’ve archived their entire portfolio online to inspire us for decades to come.

Taylor Swift recently announced the run of the Eras Tour Film, a move that shocked major film studios. Apparently she worked around a traditional studio deal by negotiating directly with AMC. Amidst entertainment strikes, this approach kicks open a door for alternative production/distribution models led by artists — and not by billionaire streaming giants.

And speaking of history-making concerts, let’s not forget #BeyDay in LA. We’re SO jealous of everyone who attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance birthday concert at SoFi Stadium. I mean to see THE Diana Ross surprise serenade Queen Bey must’ve been a life-altering experience!

Moment of Inspiration

@vitakari#performanceart

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Vita Kari’s “The Craziest Thing About Being Creative” is one of the best performance art series we’ve seen online. Jezebel says this about it in an interview with Kari:

This series has delighted and enchanted tens of millions of TikTok viewers, by design. Kari is currently working on their thesis titled “virality as form” for their MFA at Otis College of Art and Design. Their work explores the overlap between content and art, playing into the expectations of both. Kari enjoys that boundary that their work teeters on and tells Jezebel that they “hope that the videos, if you’re not looking that deep, are just fun” for casual scrollers. But for those wanting to get a bit more heady about it, they “always hope they can be a gateway drug for somebody if they want more in the conceptual art realm.”

Open Calls & Opportunities

🧵 Beam Center is accepting proposals for their 2024-2025 Beam Project New Hampshire (NH) cycle. Artistic disciplines considered include woodwork, textiles, ceramics, and more. For each selected project, artists receive a $5,000 USD award and $15,000 USD fabrication budget. Application deadline: Monday, 11 September 2023 by 11:59PM ET.

📸 The Photo Urbanism Program is accepting applications to be their 2023-2024 Photo Urbanism Fellow, who will create a self-driven photography project with NYCHA’s open spaces and the variety of ways residents use them. It includes a $15,000 USD stipend and a solo exhibition. The selected fellow must be based in New York City and be available to participate in meetings. Application deadline: Tuesday, 12 September 2023 by 11:59 pm ET.

🖋️ MDD and MORPHO present a Writing Residency for one artist to further their writing practice in Belgium. Open to any visual artist over 18 years of age legally permitted to travel and reside in Belgium for the duration of the residency. Application deadline: Friday, 15 September 2023.

🎞️ Black Public Media is looking for traditional media projects that present the voice of the Black community as it relates to our changing environment. They will give documentary projects in any stage between $30,000 - $150,000 USD in production funding. Application deadline: Tuesday, 26 September 2023.

It can be lonely being a creative sometimes. In this episode, we chat with Shirley Yu about cultivating authentic communities online and how to create a support system offline.

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Meet Shirley, the founder of Choosii, the app that lets you "Collect in Public" and showcase your awesome collections to the world of collectors like you! When Shirley isn't busy building the Choosiiverse, you can find her adding to her own collections of plants, Mashimaro comics, Line Friends merch, and anything that's named "Shirley"! Shirley graduated from Rutgers with a degree in Computer Science and has worked at some pretty cool places like Jet.com, Macy's, and New York Mag! Go to linktr.ee/choosii to follow Shirley & learn more about the Choosii app.   Our musical guest is Your Crush. Meeting on a film set in Oahu, Hawai’i natives Yan and Kahn quickly bonded over their love for pop music, something that made them stand out amongst island locals who preferred Reggae and Jawaiian music. They are both Asian American – Yan being Cambodian-Japanese and Kahn being Korean-Japanese-Okinawan – to which they owe their unique experiences as pop artists. Yan had a “bigger vision for the music [she] wanted to make,” a sentiment that Kahn shared and eventually culminated in the formation of their pop duo, Your Crush, when fate brought them back together in LA.
Citing bands like The 1975 and Death Cab for Cutie as well as solo artists like Taylor Swift as inspirations, Yan and Kahn have also produced and written songs for R&B and pop heavy hitters such as Tinashe, Jeremih and Ty Dolla $ign. Indicative of their versatility as artists, the duo’s music “falls into the alternative pop genre...specifically soft pop.”   In stride with their roots in the film industry, the two have expressed an unrelenting love for “storytelling in all forms,” something that’s apparent in the animated world they have carefully created with help from artists Apricot Mayor and Erich Nemcek. The meticulously crafted universe of Your Crush is delicately pastel and irresistibly cute, bringing to life a safe space where the pains of betrayal, loss and heartbreak are softened.   They released their first single, London Eyes, in 2021 and it has now amassed over 300,000 streams on Spotify. The duo’s signature soft and dreamy bedroom acoustics are strongly juxtaposed by lyrics on heartbreak, regret and reminiscence that have captured the hearts of listeners with their rawness and relatability. The tracks on the Strawberry Sheets EP explore these difficult themes, painting a story of lessons learned in the most beautifully introspective way.  

Special thanks to Adreyauna at Ink to Prosperity. Ink to Prosperity a space that provides personal & career development from a spiritual perspective. You can learn more at inktoprosperity.com or on Instagram @inktoprosperity. 

Production music is by Lohi5. You can listen more on Instagram @lohi5.music. 

While You Create is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective — we’re a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us on Instagram @coolgirlscollective. Be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletters at coolgirls.co. 

We all know what it feels like. Imposter syndrome affects how we see ourselves and our work. In this episode, we talk with Sasha Green about how society shapes our sense of self and why we should celebrate our lived experiences and treat them as our superpowers.

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Sasha Green was born and raised in Houston, Texas and currently lives and works in Denver, Colorado as a Program & Operations Manager at Moonshot edVentures, a local education non-profit that supports diverse leaders and educators to design and launch the learning environments of tomorrow. Sasha is a fierce advocate for creating affirming spaces for people who hold diverse identities, particularly by providing equitable educational opportunities for all learners, especially historically marginalized communities. Sasha graduated on the Dean’s List with a Masters in Teaching from Relay Graduate School of Education and holds a Bachelors of Science in Psychology and a Minor in Neuroscience from Sewanee: University of the South. Her career in education began working as an elementary school teacher in Denver, providing high quality instruction to low-income students and students of color. Sasha's work now focuses on building systems for program operations across programs and teams, continually improving the best practices for program learning, and creating systems for measuring impact. She hopes to continue creating sustainable systems and executing program learning objectives in a way that is innovative, equitable, and continually improving.

Our musical guest is Eleanor Hammond. She has been singing, playing guitar and piano, and songwriting since she was 11. She has been in at least two theatrical productions per year from ages 14-22. She often uses her theatrical background to incorporate storytelling into her lyrics. Her passion for composition became so strong that in 2019 she was inspired to write and produce a full-length feminist musical called Walls, the story of artist and founder of the Whitney Museum, Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney. She then produced her second musical Newsflash! in 2021 with co-writer Em Beihold. She is now releasing a string of singles. Eleanor has most often been compared to powerful women like Kate Bush, Stevie Nicks, Miley Cyrus, Joni Mitchell, and Alanis Morissette. Eleanor’s dynamic and confident singing, demanding stage presence, and prophetic yet relatable lyrics make her a unique and trailblazing artist. Her songs vary in genre, keeping the listener on their toes, yet still feel cohesive and of the same creator, one that has been honing her sound for years, inspired by her influences and growing worldview. She is currently performing shows in LA and working on her debut EP to be released in the spring of 2023.

Special thanks to Adreyauna at Ink to Prosperity. Ink to Prosperity a space that provides personal & career development from a spiritual perspective. You can learn more at inktoprosperity.com or on Instagram @inktoprosperity. 

Production music is by Lohi5. You can listen more on Instagram @lohi5.music. 

While You Create is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective — we’re a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us on Instagram @coolgirlscollective. Be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletters at coolgirls.co. 

Episode Transcript

Ruth: Hello. Hi. Happy 2023. It's really weird saying that. 2023. I feel like we're living in a sci-fi movie. We took a little break to regroup from the holidays, but we're back and have been prepping some really exciting and hopefully inspiring episodes for you this year. I feel like the New Year is always filled with ideas about growth. What old habits can I get rid of? What good traits can I nurture? What are the things I've always wanted to do but never had the courage to? It's tough sometimes answering these questions and we can really get in our heads. I know I do. It's worse when we already doubt ourselves, even before we start something new, or we continue to doubt even when we've been at it for a long time. Imposter syndrome. That's what they call it, right? I think all of us have experienced it in one way or another, and it can seriously get in our way.

Sasha: It's this phenomenon where you never truly feel successful. You feel a lack of confidence in yourself. And I feel it's a result of the messages that society sends you about what is good and normal and acceptable.

Ruth: This is Sasha Green. And rather than me telling you who she is, she'll introduce herself.

Sasha: So I identify as a biracial, Black identifying woman. I'm cisgender, heterosexual, I'm the daughter of two immigrant parents. My mom is Jamaican, my dad is British. I’m American-born. I was raised in the South in Houston, Texas. And I'm an educator and a musician and an empath.

Ruth: Sasha is also the program and operations manager at Moonshot edVentures. It's a Denver based education nonprofit that supports diverse leaders and educators in designing and launching the learning environments of tomorrow. In this work, Sasha often encounters imposter syndrome with those, particularly educators of color, who go through their programing. She sees a lot of her own experiences in their stories and hopes that one day we won't have to feel that way anymore. Before we get into it, here's Adreyauna with a moment of meditation.

Adreyauna: Hello, it's Adreyauna here, and I want to pour some affirmations into you. So if you can put your hand over your heart. Take a few deep breaths in and out. And just listen in this moment. You are an extraordinary, fantastical, amazing and divine human. You are special. You are everything the universe has wanted. Your existence is a historical, cosmic phenomenon. How extraordinary and outstanding it is that you were created and you have lived and you have touched many lives and you have danced many songs and created many things. Your art, your desire, your love is proof that we need you. Because who else can create like you?

Ruth: Now back to the story. Growing up, Sasha felt like she was always caught in the middle of her identities, which affected her sense of belonging early on.

Sasha: I entered middle school and the schools were very segregated. So literally, I remember my cafeteria was like White people sat on one side and then like Black and Hispanic students sat on the other side of the cafeteria. And I remember when I was trying to find my social group, I received messages from both Black students and White students where Black students labeled me as that I talk White, or that I was the White girl or the smart girl that I wasn't Black. That message was very clear, and White kids labeled me as their Black friend, but I wasn't really Black because I talked White or I was the smart girl. And so those stick out to me as messages that I received from an early age where I felt like I didn't have a sense of belonging and just kind of internalized and accepted these messages that society was sending me.

Sasha: But it wasn't until Sasha was older that she could identify these conflicting messages as contributors to imposter syndrome.

Sasha: I was applying to college, and I got into a small liberal arts college in Tennessee on a full scholarship. And there was this, obviously excitement, because like a full ride. But there were all of these other reasons in my head of why that happens. I couldn't feel like I earned this because of all of my strengths or because, you know, I worked hard or any of those things. It was like, Oh, I probably only got a scholarship because I skipped a grade or I probably only got a scholarship because I'm Black. You know, there were just like all of these other reasons in my head as to why that happened. And of course, at the time, I didn't have the language or understanding to be like, this is imposter syndrome showing up.

Sasha: All of these feelings of self-doubt reared its ugly head in 2016, when the U.S. elections emboldened racism across the country.

Sasha: And so Trump just got elected and my school was dominantly White, affluent in the South. Coming out of that election, there were a lot of blatant micro and macro aggressions, like blatant racism on campus. Despite having been there for four years, doing well academically, I had friends, you know, it was like a successful experience. Being around that kind of environment where I'm suddenly being told I don't belong anymore. People are coming up to me at parties yelling White power in my face and, you know, making me question can I actually go out into the world and be successful? Do I belong here? Like all of those doubts came up for me again and it was kind of tough trying to plan for the real world, sitting in that self-doubt.

Ruth: But fortunately, this didn't stop Sasha from creating a community out of chaos.

Sasha: I ended up joining student government, and I started an affinity group for people of color on campus to have courageous conversations about race, because spaces like that didn't exist on our campus. And so having that community of people sharing about our lived experiences as people of color in a predominantly White school gave me that boost of confidence that I needed.

Ruth: After college, Sasha moved to Denver to pursue a career in education that also allowed her to earn a Master's degree in teaching. She graduated with honors, no less. It was during this time that she really became passionate about serving students, particularly youth of color, with a mission to ensure that young people wouldn't have the same othering experiences that she did.

Ruth: But in practice, this was much harder. Especially when teaching also comes with systemic discrimination, something so experienced firsthand in the school she worked at.

Sasha: They were very data driven, and any time there were assessments, we'd have this like data day, where people were celebrated for their test scores that they got in their classrooms. I was one of like two teachers of color and experienced this phenomenon that because I was a young first-year teacher, I just wasn't cutting it to where these seasoned teachers were. And when it came to my classes test scores, it was attributed to a team effort. I was like, I have actually put in a lot of hard work. It's the relationships that I felt with my students. It's the late nights that I've spent planning lessons. It’s the calls home to families when their kids are doing well or struggling. All of these things are what made this happen. It was not a team effort. When I started working with educators, particularly educators of color, it was kind of like the first time that I was pushed to reflect on my identity and my experiences and actually start to hear other people's experiences and realize this is happening to everyone.

Ruth: We're taking another quick break to hear from this episode's musical guest. For everyone currently experiencing self-doubts and hard times, this one goes out to you.

Eleanor: Hey, my name is Eleanor Hammond. I'm an artist based in Los Angeles, California. I call my genre theatrical pop because I combine my theatrical and singer-songwriter backgrounds together in my music. I wrote Sirens when I was in a dark depression and felt like there was no way out and no one to help. One night I woke up to the sound of an ambulance outside my apartment, sparking the song. The song then became a wake up call to those fighting mental health. We often go through life without checking in on ourselves, and before we realize it, we spiral out of control, often getting into unhealthy relationships to cope. The song has quirky, alt pop elements that feel familiar yet original, and I hope it can make those struggling with their own mental health feel less alone.

[Music] 

Ruth: Eventually, all of Sasha's experiences led her to working at Moonshot edVentures. It's here that she gets to help make change happen for leaders and educators of different backgrounds. Those of us who feel out of place in our work and workplaces.

Sasha: The way that we do it is we have intentional space for people to actually reflect on their identities, their experiences, what they've learned from those experiences, and actually start to see their identity as a core strength to who they are. And so that's like the opposite of everything that I have been taught my whole life, that a lot of educators that I've run into have had experiences that have told them the opposite. And so when they come to our program to create something new, this identity of being an entrepreneur is like something that is really difficult for folks to lean into at first. When you have BIPOC women or LGBTQ identifying people trying to launch new things, there's a lot of imposter syndrome to unpack. One thing that we do is we're very identity forward. We encourage people to name their identities and we celebrate them.

Ruth: Sasha recalls one of her favorite breakthrough stories from Moonshot.

Sasha: I have a friend. She went through our program. She also identifies as half Jamaican and half White. We did a lot of identity unpacking together as a biracial woman who shared a similar cultural identity. And she had just graduated college when she joined our program. And was kind of like trying to start a business with someone that she went to school with. Co-founders, there's like a codependency there, right? But they were kind of at a place where she wasn't necessarily fully invested in the vision of her co-founder. We had shared experiences. So this feeling of like our parents being somewhat abrasive or like not as emotionally in-tune as we would have liked growing up as a result of that, a breakthrough that we had was that she has this like softness to her as a result of those experiences. 

Ruth: In the end, Sasha's friend decided to pause the venture she was working on and instead focus on a new one that centers healing as protest. She creates healing spaces for educators, activists and other healers through yoga meditation.

Sasha: It's really hard to just stop and start over and do something that feels true to you. But she did that.

Ruth: But recognizing and even celebrating what makes us unique is only half the journey. The other half requires the rest of us to support each other in that process.

Sasha: There's intentional questioning. What was this space created to do? Like, what was this system built to do? I think that everyone should be interrogating that anywhere from education to politics to the media. Housing, like education. Access to education. All of these things are systems that were intentionally built to serve a purpose. As a society, we need to start to question and push for change on those things. And we need to actually start elevating examples of people who are going against the status quo, who are bold and disruptive, bringing attention to people who share marginalized identities and celebrating their successes.

Ruth: When I listen to Sasha speak, I get goosebumps. I can tell that this work of intentionally creating inclusive and supportive spaces is what she's meant to be doing. And I can tell how much she loves it. But we also talked about how our professional work doesn't necessarily define us. There can be more than one thing that brings us joy, and we should make space for those other passions, too.

Sasha: So I have been playing music since I was a child. I haven't released a song or anything, but I do still identify as a musician. It's interesting because I did think about imposter syndrome in the context of my music. Like over the past couple of years, I've really been focusing on finding my sound. My personal voice and tone has evolved over the years and leaning into like, what is the music that makes me feel something? And if I lean into that, it will make other people feel something.

Eleanor: My most recent release, Best of Tonight, is a celebratory eighties pop inspired dance track about a budding relationship and enjoying a night of spontaneous fun with someone. I wrote it for people to look at their break ups in a more positive light. Even if your relationship does end one day, you can still be happy for what you guys had. Feel free to dance along and I hope you enjoy. I want to thank Ruth for having me on her awesome podcast and you can find all my music under Eleanor Hammond on all streaming platforms.

[Music]

Ruth: And that's it for this episode.

Highs and lows from 2022, as well as what we're looking forward to in the new year. Hear from an Emmy-award winning TV producer, an actor who competed within the Miss America organization, illustrators, activists, artists, a video producer who specializes in stop motion, and a costumer who worked on a Spielberg movie!

WHILE YOU CREATE is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective — we’re a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us at coolgirls.co and on socials @coolgirlscollective. We have a weekly newsletter that’s filled with creative resources, open calls for art festivals and exhibitions, and content to keep you inspired.

If you like our show, be sure to leave a review or rating on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you’re listening from! Production music is by LoHi5 (@lohi.5.music).

Episode Transcript

Ruth: Hello, it's me Ruth. Founder of Cool Girls Collective and your host. I have a little bit of a cold, so I apologize for that in advance. While You Create is an audio show made to be listened to while you sit at your computer or paint at your easel or do what it is that moves you creatively. I cannot believe that this is our last episode for 2022. I've had this podcast idea for a while now and I feel so fortunate to have spent these last last few months listening and learning from some pretty incredible people. For this end of the year episode, we're doing something a little special. We'll be reflecting and manifesting together. A handful of talented creatives will be sharing the roses and thorns; basically their highlights and lowlights from this past year, as well as their buds or what they're looking forward to in the new year. Thanks so much for being a listener. If you like what you've heard so far, please please share with other creatives you know and leave a rating or review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you're listening from. It would definitely help us out a lot. I hope you all have a much-deserved restful and enjoyable New Year. Now, here are those roses, thorns, and buds.

Kareka: Hi there, my name is Kareka Green Joseph from Los Angeles and I am currently a television producer. So one of the roses that I received in 2022 was that I won my first Emmy. And I won this award with a large, collective group of people over at NBC Sports for the work we did during the Tokyo Summer Olympics last year, and it was just such an amazing feeling. It was so overwhelming in the moment, but it is definitely a moment and a time that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But of course, you can't have a rose without a few thorns here and there. And one of the thorns I went through this past year was just feeling out of place, feeling like I had boxed myself in, you know. You get sucked into your nine to five that you start to neglect yourself. You forget to nurture yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, creatively. I just felt like I wasn't good enough to do what I'm doing. And that brought about a lot of anxiety, a lot of self-doubt. Me questioning myself all the time. And that was very hard to deal with. As we get into 2023, one of the things, one of my buds that I'm really excited about is to just finally work on personal projects. Finally, taking time to nurture all of the ideas that I have and to work with other like-minded creators that are also at my level and just work on these stories and these passions that I've had for such a long time. And I just cannot wait to see what 2023 holds. So happy New Year, everyone. 

Karissa: Hi, my name is Karissa Wheeler. I'm an actor based in Nashville and New York City, an arts educator, author of the children's book Reveal of the Royal Puppy, and dog mom to Chai Rose, a two-year-old morkie. 2022 was a great year of growth both professionally and personally. I signed with my awesome manager and began working commercially and theatrically again post pandemic. I also competed within the Miss America organization and launched an arts education advocacy program called Five Till Places through my platform. However, those roses were not without thorns. Being back on the grind of auditioning brings waves of rejection and contemplation of the future. I've learned this year though that my happiness as a person is not dependent on my success as an actor. My Hope for 2023, a little bud if you will, is not just that bookings will come—which I pray that they do—but that I'll continue to focus on my full person, not just my actor self. You can't be fully dedicated to your craft if you're not fulfilled personally with things outside of the art itself. That's a big resolution for me as we go into the new year. You can follow me on Instagram @_KarissaWheeler_. You can check out my website karissawheeler.com, my IMDb and you can check out my book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or anywhere books are sold. I hope you all have a blessed 2023.

Lina: My name is Lina Ortega. I am a video producer focused in stop motion and digital motion graphics. I'm based in Barcelona, Spain. This year, I was able to continue to grow professionally in the way that I want with taking the projects that I'm truly interested in and traveling when I want, that's something that I never take for granted. Every year has its thorns and mine in 2022 was social media. I have been struggling with the pressure of its sins a long time ago and it got worse. I had convinced myself that I needed to post every day and gain more followers if I wanted to keep my job in media. This became extremely stressful and after many reality checks, I realized that I needed to stop because I was putting too much effort into it for the wrong reasons. The only thing I was getting in return was the feeling of not being good enough ever. So I stopped.  I still have many clients. I have a lot of work. I do what I actually enjoy without the burnout. During 2022, I built a baby brand alongside my partner. We launched at the end of the year. So I'm really looking forward to seeing how it grows in 2023. You can find some of my work on my website linaortega.com or my Instagram @linastopmotion.

Gina: My name is Gina, I can be found on Instagram under @geekytown, where I draw mainly self portraits from behind. The thorns for 2022, for me, it was moving and spending months, trying to find a new place because I decided to move and then it was a middle of a housing crisis. This kind of stifled my creativity and stoped me from doing a lot of my plans this year. But the roses for this year has been that I've been pretty productive despite this, and I wrote a story called Welcome to Geeky Town that I am hoping to have done sometime next year. And for 2023, I look forward to writing and creating more stories to hopefully create some magic moments on paper that also can be enjoyed by others. This kind of stifled my creativity and stoped me from doing a lot of my plans this year. But the roses for this year has been that I've been pretty productive despite this, and I wrote a story called Welcome to Geeky Town that I am hoping to have done sometime next year. And for 2023, I look forward to writing and creating more stories to hopefully create some magic moments on paper that also can be enjoyed by others. 

Monica: Hi, my name's Monica Mills. I'm an artist, curator and educator and event organizer and an activist. 2022 has been an amazing year. I've been very, very lucky to have three exhibitions, one called Under Construction, which was collaborative in May. My first solo show in September called Bloodlines and another collaboration in November with Raptor Terror. Thankfully I haven't had any difficulties with my art specifically this year. But I have had a lot of immigration and visa issues, which thankfully are all sorted, but took a solid four to five months. For 2023, I'm most looking forward to working with new people and kind of nurturing the baby projects that I have. At the moment they're in their infancy so I don't want to say too much. But I'm really looking forward to kind of watching them grow and seeing where they go and working with new people. You can find me on Instagram a@Monica_Mills and you can always drop me a line and ask me anything you like about queer art, getting started, and any questions about teaching, really. All the best. Bye.

Ruth: So a few folks sent the roses, thorns, and buds as messages so I'll be sharing them on their behalf. This one comes from Alyssa Mora who is an artist and designer based in Denver, Colorado. She loves lettering and typography and has been playing around with new mediums, like tufting and acrylic. Her rose is that she got a puppy this year. She also travelled a lot and made art and enjoyed some really great food. Her thorn is that she didn't spend as much time creating this year because of health issues with their family and taking care of people in general. Along with work and a new pup, balancing life and art can be stressful. But one big bud going into the new year is setting clear intentions for herself, financially and creatively. Alyssa is so excited to meet goals she set for herself in the new year. You can find more of her work on our site at alyssamora.design and on Instagram @moralyssa.

This next one is from Polly Gregory, a costumer and costume designer in the TV and film industry. She's from Nashville, Tennessee, and went to college in Washington, DC, but currently resides in Los Angeles, California. In the theme of flowers, her rose was seeing everything she worked on in 2021 truly blossom and flourish this year. One particular highlight was seeing the release of Fabelmans, a film by Spielberg that she worked on, and then seeing her name in the credits with friends and family across the country and world. Polly also attended this year's Festival de Cannes in France where she almost couldn't go because she had to renew her passport but got it back just in the nick of time. However, in order to continue growing and to be able to take bigger opportunities, Polly had to quit her job of six years. Change is really hard but she said it was so lovely to have such a supportive space that really nurtured her until she was ready to make the jump to full-time freelancing. And her bud is that she can't wait to see the seeds she planted to flourish. Also, her friend is getting married in Spain next year, so she's really looking forward to that trip. You can find more of her work at pollygregory.com, where she also writes about entertainment and culture or follow her on Instagram @costumesbypolly.

And finally, this last one is from me. I haven't fully introduced myself on this podcast, so maybe it's time I do just that. Hi, I'm Ruth Guerra and for the most part, I'm a textbook definition of a Sagittarius. I do a little of a lot of things. I'm a storyteller, an artist, strategist, sometimes a designer, sometimes a researcher, and founder of two creative organizations. One is a creative strategy studio called Zoetroupe and the other is a woman-driven arts community called Cool Girls Collective. I've lived on four continents throughout my life and currently reside in Prague, Czech Republic, where I'm getting my masters in design. I've had a pretty memorable 2022, I have to admit. I was is in 14 countries this year. I've always wanted to live and travel around Europe and I've been so fortunate to have done just that with my husband and our dog, as well as friends and family who visited. I even traveled to a few of those countries because I was invited to lead design workshops at conferences, an opportunity that has changed the way I think about the future of design and creativity for the better. Nevertheless, there were definitely thorns this year, too. I did some deep soul searching to figure out what kind of career I really wanted in the kind of company I wanted to work for after many sleepless nights and a lot of anxiety. I realized that my dream job at my dream company didn't exist. At least not yet. So I quit my stable job in marketing to focus on running my two businesses full time. Even though I'm a Sagittarius, I'm also a planner. I don't mind change, but I do need the security of a stable income and work. It's terrifying to go out and do my own thing. But for the first time, I'm betting on myself. Which leads me to my buds. This. You, listening to this right now. I can't even begin to express my excitement of what's to come for While You Create. We have some really great episodes about creativity we're cooking up for next year. If you want to be the first to know when future episodes drop, then head on over to coolgirls.co and subscribe to our newsletters. Starting in January 2023, we'll be sending out a newsletter every Friday that's filled with creative resources, open calls for art festivals and exhibitions, and content to keep you inspired. So be sure to subscribe at coolgirls.co. Thanks to the artists and creators who contributed to this episode. While You Create is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective—we're a community shaping convos around creativity. If you like our show, be sure to leave a review or rating on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you're listening from. Production music is by lohi5. You can listen more on Instagram @lohi5.music. I'm your host Ruth, and I'll catch you on the flip side. 

This one may be a slight misnomer... because duh, of course representation matters! Instead, we talk more about belonging with director Sydne Horton (@sydnehorton), as well as inspiring the next generation of creators with actor and educator Audrey Tchoukoua. 

____________

Sydne Horton is an LA-based director originally from Carmel, Indiana. She is a proud midwestern at heart and as a queer creator, she commonly finds herself exploring queer narratives and landscapes. Currently, she is a Director’s Circle Mentee in Women In Film’s 2022 Mentorship Program. Her short films have had their world premieres at LA Shorts International Festival and Outfest Los Angeles. Other festival appearances include Inside Out Toronto, Tallgrass, Aesthetica Short Film, Melbourne Queer Film Festival, Out on Film Atlanta, and more. Specifically, her film META has screened with
over 30 festivals while ending its festival run with a 3-month exhibit at Seattle’s Museum of Pop Culture. Horton, who had her break into the industry as a Television Academy Foundation Intern, graduated from Columbia College Chicago with a Bachelor’s degree in Television Directing and Production and has gained professional production experience working with Blumhouse, Netflix, FX, HBO Max, and Nickelodeon. Additionally, she was selected as 1 of 5 global competitors for 2021’s Inside Out Toronto’s Pitch Please Competition with her film The House Sitters. Navigating the world as an adopted and queer identifying individual, Sydne formed a strong connection with the film E.T. at an early age and aspires to direct and tell stories that bring alienated groups together both literally and figuratively.

Adreyauna from Ink to Prosperity (@inktoprosperity) hosts a moment of inspiration. 

WHILE YOU CREATE is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective — we’re a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us at coolgirls.co and on socials @coolgirlscollective. Production music is by LoHi5 (@lohi.5.music).

Episode Transcript

Ruth: When I was in college, I took a film class called German Queer Cinema, where we watched and analyzed movies like Nosferatu and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. At the surface level, these were horror films that centered around one monster or quasi-human-creature quietly terrorizing a community. They came about during German Expressionism, when the threat of the first World War loomed over the country. Feelings of isolation, disillusionment, and distrust are palpable in these films. As my college course title suggested, there’s a type of “queering” that happens when a group of people decide that something, or someone, is not one of them. By the time of World War II, Germany was mass producing cinema as propaganda, shelling out Us v. Them narratives that would come to bolster an antisemitic agenda. It’s wild to think that movies — something that’s supposed to entertain — can also influence how we feel about everything around us. And if we approach it in the wrong way, our art can have dangerous consequences. But also, isn’t this why we make art in the first place? Because if we approach it in the right way, we have the opportunity to change narratives, for the better. 

Sydne: I always kind of felt a sense of otherness, and I just didn't have the words to express what I was feeling. But I found myself always attracted to, I guess, narratives that involved people feeling kind of detached from other people and feeling like an outsider.

Ruth: This is Sydne Horton, an LA-based director who often channels her identity and personal experiences in her films, particularly in the horror genre. 

Sydne: I realized I wanted to continue making stories to kind of express what I was feeling and how I viewed the world and kind of what it's like to be an adopted individual, a queer individual, or feel like a sense of otherness, which is why I think I become specifically attracted various mediums in horror.

Ruth: In the past, this “otherness” was often depicted as qualities meant to scare off others. But within the last decade or so, there have been many artists, including Sydne, determined to make someone’s “otherness” feel like it belongs. I know the title of this episode is “Does Representation Matter?” but maybe representation is just the first step. Of course it matters. Belonging, on the other hand, especially in art, is a much more interesting story to tell. Before we get into it, let’s spend a moment with Adreyauna from Ink to Prosperity. 

Adreyauna: Hello creative. Let's take an inspiration break. We're going to feel into our environment and be inspired by what's around us in this very moment. No matter the mess, no matter the cleanliness, or if you're outside. So go ahead and use your five senses to really tap into what's pulling your attention. Maybe you're witnessing a color for the first time, really giving it some attention and the depth of that colo. Maybe there's textures or scent that is grabbing your attention, or perhaps you are being drawn to a shirt on the floor and it's really sparking you. And just take in this moment to notice how your environment is supporting you and feeding your inspiration. I hope you enjoy these moments and know that no matter where you are, there is always, always, always room for you to be inspired.

Ruth: Now, let’s jump back to it. Sydne grew up in Indiana and she first felt a spark for filmmaking in high school after showing a movie she made at a local film festival. She later studied television and directing at Columbia College Chicago and landed an internship with the Television Academy. Then later production jobs at Blumhouse, Nickelodeon, and Netflix, to name drop a few. On the side though, Sydne makes films in Los Angeles. One of her notable ones is a horror short called Meta.

Sydne: Meta I think is one of those pieces that is forever going to be something I look back up on about just being so instrumental about my directing career and what I want to continue making when I approach storytelling. I haven't worked on anything, at least so far, that has felt so important to me and the message behind it since it was a film that not only my writer came to me expressing they needed to use as a piece to kind of share with the world that they were going to continue transitioning genders themselves and that that's okay. And that’s who they are and who they’ve always been.

Ruth: Set at a high school prom, Meta explores the emotional and physical transformations of the trans masculine experience, as well as trans dysphoria. It screened at over 30 festivals, ending its run with a 3-month exhibit at Seattle’s Museum of Pop Culture. Sydne’s most recent project, The House Sitters, is currently making its rounds at festivals. Even if she isn’t the one writing the scripts, Sydne tries to stay true to her voice as an artist with every film she directs.

Sydne: I tend to have the working relationship where I will be like, I want to be able to give some notes, obviously on the script. This is what I think works, what doesn't. I'll ask specifically for The House Sitters, it initially was not a queer horror. It was just a horror with female leads. So I asked the writer, why are they straight? And he's like, oh, I don't know. I was like, you're a gay writer, I'm a queer creator. Why don't we have a queer narrative in here? So as we workshopped through it, it became queerer as it went. Our ghost was even in the backstory, a queer ghost, who is also in the house. Spoiler. And the woman that's being housesitted for is queer. So it's just being like, where can we add diversity that feels organic? And asking writers, why is it that way? And seeing what they have to say. I just don't think there's any time anymore for things that aren't diverse. We've done enough of that. So if I can have any say or any pull in bringing in queerness to the story or people of color, I’m going to. I'm finally getting to a point where I can work with a casting director, which is cool. So it's like, let's see how diverse we can get. Not just to check boxes, but let's get more representation up there.

Ruth: Sydne hopes the whole entertainment industry will adopt this mission of adding diversity where it feels organic, especially at film festivals. Festivals screen movies in “blocks,” or sections where titles are grouped together usually by theme or style. In recent years, it has become popular to host blocks like “Women in Film” or “Queer Cinema,” categorizing stories from underrepresented voices.

Sydne: Yes, it's awesome to be in the festival circuit, and I love the queer content. I just wish and I'm hopeful for a future where, we're not trapped in, if you want to watch queer horror, you have to go to this block. I want it to just be that's a horror film, and, oh, there happens to maybe be a queer person in there. And like I said, for the most part, I'm not trying to do queer narratives where it's like, guess what? They're queer. And I'm just going to keep telling you that they're queer. It's like, I just want that to be a part of the story, too. Even the mainstream festivals, as I've checked on Film Film Freeway, and other sites. They're starting to now be like, oh, and a category is Queer Films because you can submit, oh, let me submit to the narrative or queer. And I'm like, well, technically it is a narrative, but I guess it's queer? And having that weird, your mouse going over each one, and you're like, which one do I submit to? So cool that, yes, they’re aware that people want diversity and maybe they feel the pressure of like, oh, it looks bad if I don't have that, kind of performative almost. But I would like it to just be part of mainstream media as a whole. I'm hopeful that in the next five to ten years we can have less performative diversity movements and more organic and actually wanting that, not just because they feel like that's what should be happening. So, I mean, I think in five years, not a ton is going to change. But I think ten, we're hopefully in stronger strides towards making our world a better reality and more realistic visually on screen and once again just not performative.

Ruth: Though it’s a difficult task and progress is certainly not linear, Sydne considers the journey of telling authentic stories from a place of inclusivity a worthwhile pursuit.

Sydne: I'm learning to use my voice as a platform to kind of fight for the community and hopefully continue to help other people feel accepted and loved and comfortable enough to share who they are with the world, however they identify. It’s helped my family members who were kind of questionable of the queerness come around and be like, no, we need to fight for queer rights. We need to fight for queer people. And everything that's been happening around the world with, you know, what it's like to be queer right now, and if they should be allowed to be queer and teachers not being able to share the information. To see my family be like, oh, that's not okay, is honestly a huge stepping stone and I definitely owe that to, like, creating Meta and House Sitters and having an environment and community where they're fighting too.

Ruth: On the other side of the country in New York City, Audrey Tchoukoua, an actor and educator is also working to foster a sense of belonging, but for a new generation of creators. Here he is.

Audrey: To be able to inspire awe in others, give them something that shifts their perspective or makes them think differently than before they saw this piece, before they interacted, before you shared this moment. I think that's what excites me about the arts. And it also just happened to be something that excites me about education.

Ruth: So for the next episode of While You Create, we're doing something a little different and special. Since it’s coming at the end of the year, we thought it would be nice to reflect and manifest. And we want to hear from you! Yes, you, listening to this right now. What are your roses, thorns, and buds? Think of roses as highlights and thorns as lowlights from this past year. Buds are what you’re looking forward to in the new year. So grab your phone, your computer, hey if you have a mic, go for it! Record a voice memo in 60 seconds or less telling us what made 2022 meaningful for you, what made it not so great, and what excites you about the big ‘ol 2023. Then, send it to us at hello@coolgirls.co and it just might appear in the next episode. Sound good? Great, remember Roses, Thorns, and Buds. As a trained and dedicated actor, Audrey found himself in a difficult position when COVID shut down theaters in New York City. After a little bit of soul searching, he decided to go back to school and get his Master’s in education at Columbia University. Audrey now teaches 12th grade social studies at an international school in Union Square made up of around 400 students newly arrived in the States.

Audrey: All of them are learning English. That's the one thing that they have in common because they speak 30 languages combined. For many of these kids, English is not their second language. That's why in the field, we're moving away from calling it English as a Second Language to English for Speakers of Other Languages or English Language Learners or Multilingual Learners. Because they come from communities and backgrounds and cultures where they already speak three languages or four languages. So we want to honor that. So my experience working with these students is not only bringing my own experience and sort of leveraging that as a connecting point, but also to honor their experiences, to honor their cultures and where they're coming from. And I can base it on my own experience and say, hey, I was just like you.

Ruth: Audrey was born and raised in Cameroon. He moved to the US just outside of Washington, DC when he was 15 years old to reunite with his mom, who was already living there, as well as finish high school.

Audrey: When we came to the US, I was living with my mom and my brother. My mom was renting a room in a two bedroom apartment, and we were all sleeping in one bed. That's where we started, all sleeping in that one bed. And then we eventually got our own apartment, which was another two bedroom. We got two beds now, but we're in the same room. Two beds. My brother and I were sharing one bed, my mom was in another bed, and then she was renting out the other room just to make ends meet. And then we moved from that to getting our own apartment, where it was a two bedroom. Mom had a room, my brother and I had our room. And then we moved from that to getting our own apartment. I went to college, and then my brother had his own room now. And so that was the evolution. So I can use that as a tool. I can leverage the experience and say, hey, what you're going through, you're not alone. I’ve gone through that.

Ruth: It’s funny hearing Audrey remember his journey as an immigrant through phases of beds. When my family first moved to the States, my sister and I slept on air mattresses before upgrading to a better mattress but still on the floor. And then eventually we got bed frames, though they were the IKEA ones. It wasn’t until college that I felt like I had a real bed, which was ironic because everyone else thought they were serious downgrades from their beds at home. When I graduated and could finally afford to buy my own bed, I weirdly felt this huge sense of accomplishment every night. Like I was tucking myself into the American Dream. One big thing that is different for Audrey and me though is language. In my home country of the Philippines, English is considered a national language, so I knew how to speak it from an early age. But for many immigrants like Audrey and his students, language is a huge barrier, especially when you’re auditioning for theatrical productions as a high schooler.

Audrey: I felt like my English was just so awful. And I was in the room full of these native speakers of English who were just like, to me, it sounded like they were just rapping in English. And I was so terrified. I was pausing a lot. I was stuttering a lot. I was making up pronunciations a lot. I was just making it up. Like when you talk about stepping out of your comfort zone, oh, my goodness, that is the most out of my comfort zone. I felt completely just vulnerable. And I felt like people were laughing at me or pointing at me or saying, whispering amongst themselves, oh, you know, he doesn't, this is not competition. Yeah, he may be a good singer, but then he's not going to get the part because he can't say the lines. And I felt after that call back, I felt so discouraged. Oh, my goodness, I'm so disheartened that maybe I wouldn't get to be in this thing. But to my surprise, I got cast in this. I had a small part in the ensemble, and I got to understudy one of the supporting roles as well. My family was there to see it. This was like the first play my mom had ever seen in her life. It’s like any high school production, it’s terrible. But that's not the point. The point is not the production value. It's not the performance quality. It's the fact that you have a bunch of kids who are stepping out of their comfort zones, who are trying something new. They're trying to figure out exactly where they fit in this world, in this society. What are they good at? What are their aptitudes? For some kids will for some kids, it will just click. Like they'll say, you know what? This is the thing. This is the thing that I'm good at. And that was the case for me.

Ruth: The ability to continue trying something new is what also led Audrey to his teaching career. While he loves this new opportunity to inspire students, they happen to inspire him, too.

Audrey: And what I love about working with immigrant youth is that there's this drive. They may not understand how to go about it, how to pursue it, how to express it, even sometimes, but they know that in the words of Alexander Hamilton, they can't throw away their shot. They know they think to themselves, I'm so fortunate to be here because I know people in my native communities would kill to have this opportunity. So I'm going to try to make the most of it. And so my job is to just give them the tools, talk to them about opportunities and sort of just guide them through that. And that's really why I wanted to work with 11th and 12th graders for that opportunity, to just walk them through what their options are. 

Ruth: When it comes to honing in on these passions — creative or otherwise — Audrey imagines it in true theatrical style.

Audrey: Think about it like in terms of notes on a scale. Musical scale. It's the same notes that everyone is playing. Really, when you think about it, it’s just a different key. The tuning is different, maybe, but essentially we're all playing the same tune. We're just arranging them differently and they sound beautiful. But it also matters who is playing the instrument. So who was playing that guitar? Who was playing that piano? It matters. So you can see yourself reflected in that art piece. One of my music teachers in high school would say often that she's not trying to make us the next Philip Glass, or you can insert a great musician there. So you're not trying to make us into the next phenomena, but it's about giving you the tools to express yourself and giving you the space and the room, the opportunity to experiment without repercussions, without consequences, without shame. This is the experiment. This is for you to just play around. So what I would say to my kids, and I already started instilling this in them, is you have to go out there and pursue your dream.

Ruth: And maybe that dream is making movies. Or pursuing higher education. Or even just having your own bed. Whatever it may be, know that the rest of us want to hear your story. Sydne Horton is a director based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Instagram @sydnehorton and at sydnehorton.com. Audrey Tchoukoua is an actor and educator in New York. He’s not on social media but was gracious enough to share his email with you all at audreytchoukoua@gmail.com. Special thanks to Adreyauna at Ink to Prosperity. Ink to Prosperity a space that provides personal & career development from a spiritual perspective. You can learn more at inktoprosperity.com or give her a follow on Instagram @inktoprosperity. While You Create is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective—we’re a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us at coolgirls.co and on Instagram @coolgirlscollective. Production music is by Lohi5. You can listen more on Instagram @lohi5.music. I’m your host Ruth, and I’ll catch you in our final episode of 2022! Can you believe it? And don’t forget to send your voice recordings, your Roses, Thorns, and Buds, to hello@coolgirls.co for an opportunity to be included in the next episode! Kthanksbyeee!

What makes starting so difficult? In this episode, we talk to psychotherapist Vi Dong (@problematicfave) and filmmaker Cassidy Civiero (@casscivi) on mental and creative blocks. We also touch on the importance of checking in on each other’s wellbeing as a creative community. 

___________

Cassidy Civiero is a Canadian filmmaker and activist with a focus on content that deals with climate change, late-stage capitalism, and gender/sexuality. He is a screenwriter and associate producer for the show You’re My Hero (2023, CBC Gem). His directorial debut, I’m in Love with All My Friends (2014) achieved international distribution through the Fearless app. Cassidy has been selected for the 2023 Voices with Impact cohort for his next project Ethical Consumption (2023) and awarded the associated grant to make his vision come to life. When not working in film, you can find him tending to his garden or fervently coddling his dog, Charlie.

This episode's musical guest is Elise Go. She is a recording artist and songwriter from San Francisco, CA. She was a classically trained pianist from the San Francisco Conservatory of Music. With her exemplary background in music, Elise was the second place winner of ETTV’s Top Idol in 2011 at age 16. She continued her musical journey, finishing in 7th place on Million Star, a prominent reality singing competition in Taiwan. In 2017, Elise graduated cum laude from Berklee College of Music with a BA in Songwriting. During her time at Berklee, Elise performed in various shows at the Berklee Performance Center, Boston Symphony Hall, and other notable venues. Among these performances, Elise opened for international Chinese Pop superstar, Lee Hom Wang in November 2016. In recognition of her outstanding musicianship, Elise was awarded the Berklee Songwriting Achievement Scholarship. She also was selected as a soloist to perform at the Berklee Commencement Concert for the Class of 2017. In 2020, Elise was cast as Pop Princess on FOX’s new music game show, I Can See Your Voice, hosted and executive-produced by Ken Jeong. Her music and sound are influenced by a mix of R&B/Soul artists of yesteryear, paired with a fresh take on the current pop scope. Collaborators include Benji Cormack (slenderbodies) and Johannes Gritschacher, Olivia O’Brien’s drummer. 

Adreyauna from Ink to Prosperity (@inktoprosperity) hosts a body break.

WHILE YOU CREATE is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective — we’re a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us at coolgirls.co and on socials @coolgirlscollective. Production music is by LoHi5 (@lohi.5.music).

Episode Transcript

Ruth: We've all been there. A day when you get a rush of new ideas, so you quickly grab a clean painting brush. Break the seal of a new package of clay. Crack open your laptop. The words flow freely from your fingertips as you type your soon-to-be best-selling novel. Or the image in your head effortlessly becomes a photo taken by your camera. This is how masterpieces are born... Or is it? What about the days where you don't have good ideas? When you have zero motivation? When you try all day but somehow you feel like you got nothing accomplished? And what about those days where everything is a distraction?

Cassidy: There was a time where I first started using TikTok where I was like working and using TikTok at the same time and it was like, okay, I needed to really create a balance there.

Ruth: That was filmmaker Cassidy Civiero and just like them, we've all been there. So I got to ask from a creative to other creatives: why is it so freakin' hard to start? You know the drill. Before we jump into the story, we're taking a quick pause to breathe. Here's Adreyauna from Ink to Prosperity with a moment of meditation.

[Music]

Adreyauna: Hey you, it's time for a body break. Put down the pencils, step away from the screen if you can. And let's just take a moment to be here. Let's relieve some tension by stretching our bodies, good. And then we're also just going to rub our bellies. So just rub gently softly and this is going to help you with your breathing, especially if you tend to hold your breath a lot while you work. Good. And now we're actually going to take those breaths. So go ahead and take a deep breath in and let it out. Thanks for joining me.

Ruth: Now, back to the story. What makes starting so difficult? I am so taken by this question on a daily basis that I went as far as asking a therapist. Yes, really. I went there. Here's what Vi Dong, a psychotherapist who works at a community mental health clinic in New York City, had to say

Vi: So I work with lots of people who do not talk about mental block, but they talk a lot about the lack of motivation and that's something I made the connection to. And I have friends and also clients who work in the creative field that I think they struggle with this a lot. It could be so many things. It could have to do a lot with just what's going on on a day-to-day basis. Maybe some emotional turmoil. Just long-term stress. Repression of just how it isn't working for you. I think the online definition is like a form of inability to access motivation, creativity, and productivity. It's problematic the way that it's defined as this is a problem within you, within your own function. Because I think it's coded very negatively without much context of why it's going on for this person at this specific time. Motivation,
productivity, and creativity are all finite resources. So it's very difficult to identify because every creative works differently.

Ruth: Let's take a moment to break this down. As an artist or creative, you probably have a specific way of working. You might be someone who has a structure or routine. You work at certain hours every day at an office or a studio. Or you're the total opposite. You work only when creativity strikes and that might be in the middle of the night sometimes. More likely you're someone in between. Take Cassidy for example, who works as a writer for a Canadian episodic series. Cassidy doesn't necessarily have a job where they can just leave work at work. They may be writing at home, but their career also affords flexibility within their schedule. Here's Cassidy now.

Cassidy: I really don't structure my life at all. It's like, now I have a dog. So it's very much like you wake up, you take the dog out, you feed the dog. That's as far as my structure really goes, unless you know, I'm doing a writer's room for my show. It's like, okay, if it's this day at this time, so it's not a totally unstructured situation. Sometimes I have to slot stuff in. But for the most part, it's like, okay, wake up. Once I'm like fed and have my ice coffee, then you can kind of just decide what to do first.

Ruth: But when society measures success as a certain level of productivity, it becomes hard not to dedicate every second of your day to working on your craft, especially when you start comparing your productivity to someone else's output.

Vi: I think it's something that is learned once you're conscious of what the system looks like. We are such social creatures that conformity will always be something that influences how we create things. We give into social pressure a lot. And it shows up in many ways that are not as conscious. It's very much conditioned in us from childhood. It's very much embedded in a lot of societies and feeling like we must work harder to deserve more.

Ruth: Now, take this icky feeling society has ingrained in us of not doing enough and add expectations from your boss, your parents, or the need to put food on the table, and you've got a recipe for burnout. One of the many obstacles that prevents us from creating new work.

Vi: I think some of the basics still apply is that doesn't change the fact that our motivation and our creativity and our product is finite. You know, like the creative juices can only run so long until you're like I have had enough of that. I need a change.

Ruth: In Cassidy's case, it's the trust they have in themselves and their career that keeps them going.

Cassidy: I used to struggle with this a lot, working 24/7 all the time. Now,
I just kind of trust that I'm going to do everything I need to do and it has not failed me thus far. But I do less now than I did in previous years and I hustle less and everything still gets done. So the way that my kind of income and my life is structured, it's not very much like, oh, this one hour work is worth this amount of dollars and I have to do this amount of hours of work in a day and a week and a month in order to meet these expenses. It's just kind of like, okay, I have this project. I'm getting this chunk of money for it and I got to trust that I have another project coming through and I'm getting another chunk of money and I'm just going to tackle that first project while I have time to do it before the second one comes in. So it's very, it's a lot about trust in myself and my colleagues and my financial wellbeing. There's a lot of trust going on that it'll all work out.

Vi: And it's important to take note of what you're thinking and how you're feeling and to acknowledge and normalize those feelings rather than fight against them. It's important to be kind for yourself no matter like what stage you're at in the creative process. You don't want to further the cycle of pain, right? Now, so if you're shifting into wanting to be more sustainable and be more kind to yourself, that may mean you are less productive and it's okay if you're less productive because a lot of those goals can be compromised. They can be negotiated because it might just be with yourself.

Ruth: So this is one reason for mental or creative blocks. It doesn't necessarily start with us. It's decades of reinforcement from corporate workplaces and hustle culture that has led us to dissatisfaction with our work or the way we're working. We then have to confront this issue and redesign a more sustainable approach.
And that probably looks different for each of us. It might mean quitting a full time job and going freelance. Or spacing out projects for longer intervals of time. Or even taking more mental health breaks where you just completely unplug from everything. But what about creativity that's not necessarily for profit? The ideas and dreams we have outside of our jobs? What about our passion projects Speaking of passion projects, we've got something special for you. In this episode, we're highlighting singer songwriter Elise Go and her debut album "Phases." Here's Elise on her track called "Phase."

Elise: I love this podcast episode title. Why is it so hard to start because I can really relate to it, especially during the making of my debut album "Phases." The next song you're about to hear titled "Phase" is actually a song that I wrote in 2019. So it took me a really good amount of time to actually produce the song out and get it to the place that you hear it now. This song specifically was a song that I really had trouble finishing because it was so hard to write initially. "Phase" I wrote when I was in a really, really difficult time in my life. I had just gone through my first major heartbreak and I was pretty depressed when I moved to LA. I wrote this song sort of as a really vulnerable journal entry and personal love letter, letting myself know that I would be okay even if I wasn't at the time.

[Music]

Ruth: For Cassidy, the process of writing for personal projects is not so different from their paid work.

Cassidy: My passion projects is definitely some similar issues and some similar blocks of like there's too much going on here, you're trying to say too much within an hour and a half is like my main issue. And sometimes I look at it and I'm like, oh there's so much good stuff, but it's so messy that I don't even know where to start. So that's like a big block for my passion projects. I've never encountered that situation where it was more riding on it other than just this is my own project and we'll just see. I do definitely believe in the power of creating an environment in which you can work. So it's like, I want to make sure I have a beverage I need and my desk is clean and my laptop is on my desk. And during the day I write better when there's like some natural light coming at me. So I do set up circumstances to help enhance the experience so that I can push through any blocks I may have.

Vi: The human body is very intuitive in the things that it needs and that it wants,
and it's important for us to honor those signals. So if you're used to a very structured schedule, it can really throw off your natural signals. And a lot of other conditions are a result of that, like you've become misaligned with your own body, so you work through the natural signals that your body is giving you to try to do more. I don't like to answer questions with other questions. But in this case, I think it's good to ask yourself, what is this block doing for me? Why do I feel like I just don't know what to do now? Is it because I'm tired? Is there something that I'm afraid of if I finish this? Is it because if I finish this now, I have to think about another project? Like if I don't do any project, I'm not productive and I don't like to be unproductive because you always have to be productive and prove your artistic value by always doing work can also be a very toxic cycle of not really listening to what your body needs.

Ruth: And yet the process of creating, of putting our minds and body to work, doesn't have to be toxic. What really matters is finding that balance between what others need from us and what we need for ourselves. It's easier said than done but there are little things we can do to get closer to this harmony.

Cassidy: I think a recurring theme for me and my creativity is definitely like I want to be able to create more for myself and it is very hard when we live in a society where it's all about monetizing everything and everything becoming a product and I am a product and yada yada yada. It is very hard sometimes to do like art therapy. I very much believe in the power of art therapy and sitting down and collaging or like drawing, writing a poem for yourself. I really want to make space in my life for art that is not a product.

Vi: When I think about creatives that like a lot of you face just so much criticism, it's very few that I hear that people get praise for the work that they're doing right, that like, wow, this is cool. But they're always like, oh what's the next big thing you're doing? You know, or like what are you doing after? Like can't this just be my thing and like nothing else happens, right? And I think it's okay to verbalize that. You could just say, I don't know, I don't know what I want to do. I want to just be in the moment and appreciate this for myself, right? You don't have to answer those questions.

Cassidy: I have one amazing friend who, whenever we get together, we just get in the zone for six hours, just crafting in silence together. And I really want to harness that power and be able to do that alone even at least once a week for myself because once your passion becomes your career, it's a very blurry line of becoming a workaholic and all of your art becoming for money. And I just would really like to be able to separate that out a little bit.

Ruth: I can definitely relate to what Cassidy is saying here. Before Cool Girls Collective, I was meeting regularly with a group of friends to make art. We had no deadlines or end goals, just a list of projects we've always dreamed of doing. We would get together every few weeks to offer feedback or just vent about life. And then when the collective was born, we grew to include artists and creators from all over the world. This kind of community, and I mean a true community, one that checks in on each other beyond just productivity checks is what the collective is built on. It's what makes the journey of being an artist less lonely and daunting.

Vi: I think as a community it's helpful to be, I don't know how it is currently, to be vulnerable with each other, right? Just like, yeah, I'm struggling with like this and that. And ironically remove the focus on let's help each other be more creative, let's just, you know, help each other relax. Have time to do things to bond over topics that are not currently things you already have in common, right? So kind of like humanizing the field again. And being like, oh, well everyone kind of struggles with this instead of, oh, I just assumed everyone just had endless ideas and they were like every morning, they go, oh a new project, but I did it by the end of the day and I'm not tired. So I think it's very important to honor and look back that, wow, this is a huge accomplishment for me. To take time for yourself to celebrate the things you are able to accomplish rather than always looking for the next goal post. Because it will be really hard to feel successful, right? And I guess a question to ask yourself is am I doing this in order to just meet demands or do I actually want to feel happy? Do I want to feel fulfilled? Do I want to feel successful? And is what I'm doing, doing that for me?

Ruth: You heard it. Let's celebrate the little Ws just as much as the big ones. Let's normalize not getting anything done sometimes. Let's hype each other up with the notion that creativity is not linear. And if we're all in agreement, then those creative blocks? They're just part of the process.

Elise: Good Company. I'm really excited to share this song. I wrote it with a very specific image in mind and I basically painted the picture through the song. I found myself, after I just moved to LA, going to a lot of parties that I actually didn't want to go to with people I didn't really want to see. And I yearned to find those true friends, those genuine connections, that real good company. And so I wrote this song welcoming anybody that is down for a good time and good vibe to join me and to be in good company.

[Music]

Ruth: And that's it for our episode. Cassidy Civiero is a Canadian filmmaker. You can find them via the website at Cassidy Civiero dot com or on Tiktok at casscivi. That's C A S S C I V I. Vi Dong is a psychotherapist working and learning in New York City. You can find her on instagram at problematicfave. Our featured music is by Eliseo Go from her debut album, "Phases." The track "Phase" was written by Benji Cormack, Chloe Low, and Elise Go and produced by Elise Go. "Good Company" was written by Elise Go and produced by Elise Go and Belinda Huang. You can follow her on Instagram and TikTok at N I H A O E L I S E. That's nihaoelise. "Phases" is out now on Spotify. Go check it out. It is such a special album. Special thanks to Adreyauna at Ink to Prosperity. Ink to Prosperity a space that provides personal & career development from a spiritual perspective. You can learn more at ink to prosperity. That's I N K T O prosperity dot com or give her a follow on Instagram at inktoprosperity. While You Create is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective, we're community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us at Cool Girls dot co. And on instagram at coolgirlscollective. Production music is by LoHi5. You can listen more on Instagram at LoHi the number five dot music. I'm your host Ruth and I'll see you next time.

It’s been a tough few years for us all. In this episode, we talk to Brooklyn-based actor and writer Megan Quick (@quick.megan) about the process of writing her solo musical production 'And Toto Too' in the wake of loss. And why we shouldn't have to experience hardships to create something meaningful. 

We also take a moment to meditate with Adreyauna from Ink to Prosperity (@inktoprosperity). 

WHILE YOU CREATE is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective — we’re a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us at coolgirls.co and on socials @coolgirlscollective. Production music is by LoHi5 (@lohi.5.music).

Episode Transcript

Ruth: Welcome to the first episode of While You Create. I'm Ruth, founder of Cool Girls Collective and your host. I created the show as something you could listen to while you sit at your computer or paint at your easel or do what it is that moves you creatively. Today, we'll be hearing from artists who have been through tough times and from it created new work they're proud of. I'm so very grateful to have you listening and I hope you enjoy. Roll It.

[Music]

Ruth: It goes without saying that these past few years haven't been easy. In one way or another, all of us have experienced major life changes. For better or for worse. Maybe some of us took a break to deal with the real life stuff and others coped by channeling everything into their work. For Megan Quick, an actor and writer based in Brooklyn, art became her constant. During the pandemic, Megan performed a solo musical production inspired by one of Hollywood's greatest films.

Megan: I would say, it's a cabaret style diva retrospective where you get to hear Hollywood's dirty secrets and learn more about like some of the most famous names you know.

Ruth: Now, before we get into the story, I want to make it a habit for us to just take a second. To breathe. To ground ourselves. To quiet our minds. Here's Adreyauna from Ink to Prosperity to guide us in a moment of meditation.

Adreyauna: If you're going through a tough time right now, I hope that this humming meditation is a reminder that you are not alone.

[Humming]

Ruth: Now, back to the story. In 2018, Megan had the idea of what would eventually become a show called And Toto Too, where she would write and play the role of Toto. You know, that terrier from the Wizard of Oz. In the show, Megan even wears her hair in two buns like dog ears and on her face is a painted dog nose with whiskers. She sings original songs in it and tell stories of what it might have been like to be on set. Surprisingly, this funny and enlightening cabaret on one of cinema's most beloved canines was actually born during a rough spot for Megan. Here she is.

Megan: In 2018 in December, I lost my grandfather. It was very difficult, it was watching someone get very sick very quickly and he just got very, very sick and it was hard to figure out what was going on. And his decline happened pretty quickly. So all that to say in the wake of that, I had a really hard year, I was living in New York and what I shared with him growing up was old Hollywood movies and Judy Garland specifically. We really shared her. Meet Me in St. Louis. Easter Parade. The Harvey Girls. Those were movies we watched together, especially Meet Me in St. Louis.

Ruth: This is from Megan's show.

[Music]

Ruth: Of course, before any of those titles, Judy Garland starred as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. This is probably how most of us remember her, a young girl with pigtails fastened by blue ribbons wearing a matching blue gingham dress, saying to a small scruffy dog, "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

Megan: And so I was in line for Shakespeare in the park with some friends,
it was like five am because you have to get there really early to get tickets because they're all free but you got to be in line. And we were talking and somehow we started talking about like animal actors in Hollywood and I think it hit me. I googled the dog who played Toto because obviously that's a huge example of a famous animal actor in Hollywood. And it talked about her trainer and then I was just like this is probably its own Hollywood ecosystem, it's probably full of its own drama and weird history and scandalous history as like Hollywood histories are and so I kind of started writing it that morning. I wrote it down, I wrote down the idea. I found out her name. Her name was Terry Spitz, that was the dog.

[Music]

Ruth: In early 2019, Megan received an opportunity from a friend to develop and debut And Toto Too for his theater in Athens, Georgia. Suddenly, Megan found herself juggling theater with the throes of reality.

Megan: I would sleep till 10 every day. I would meet with Cameron, my director and then I would go back to sleep at two and I didn't know why. I was like, why am I napping so much? And then I remember talking about it with Cameron later and I was like, oh I was like grieving, I was like in shock and he was like, but we just, you know, you were, he was like, we're letting you do what you needed to do to like make your art. Yeah. I would just sleep all day, play a dog and beyond this like retreat from my life as I was like going through this really hard thing. It was weird because I had lost my grandfather. The show had really been inspired by losing him, but then I think it also was totally informed by losing Eric as well

[Music]

Megan: I had a brother named Eric and he had glioblastoma. He was diagnosed with that in 2015 and then it came back and he deteriorated really rapidly. We got one of those calls that's like a nightmare to get where it's like he probably has a month. In the midst of like Eric declining, I just didn't know what to do. If anyone's been through that with a family member, it's a very confusing moment of free fall. You really don't know which way is up. I think focusing on writing the show was a way to have something to hold onto.

Ruth: Later, Megan earned the opportunities to perform And Toto Too virtually at the PIT in 2021 and in-person at the Krane Theatre as part of the 2022 Frigid Festival in New York. For every new run, the show was reworked. Sometimes to fit timing constraints. Other times for creative purposes. However, there is one story in the script about Terry who played Toto that has meant a great deal to Megan.

Megan: There is also an anecdote which you find in different sources, so I think it's true. Terry, and this is, I know for sure she got injured on set. She got stepped on when all the winkie soldiers are marching in the movie. And she had to be taken off set for two weeks to heal and Judy Garland took care of her because she was 16 and was like, I really bonded with this dog and I want to take care of the dog. And then Judy really tried to adopt her and they wouldn't let her. And so that's sort of the emotional pivot of the whole play. The question the show poses is how do we love each other in a way that feels true and in a way that's not about what we can get from each other? Which given that I just lost two people, that makes sense that that was sort of always on my mind. You're very aware of the love you take for granted once it's just gone. We've gone through so much as a society in the last two or three years where I'm like, now I know I know so many people have lost someone, right? And so when you are in the middle of that kind of grief and loss and fear, watching someone get sicker and sicker and just knowing that there's no out is one of the worst experiences you can have with someone you love. I don't know how you ever get equipped to deal with that or process it. And so I think weirdly, I think in the context of everything going, no, I didn't think, ok I'm going to write this play to process this or I'm going to make sure I have art to turn to or any of that. I think these themes just became so much more present in my life because of what was happening.

[Music]

Megan: I think with Toto, it's such an incredible example of how art can really just be a life raft for you. I don't think you have like I don't like the mythology around you have to go through hard things to make good art. Like I don't think that's a healthy way to view it, but I do think art is one of the only good things you can turn to when things are hard. So that's where I think that tie in happens, not necessarily you have to go through hard things, but you will probably turn to art if you're going through hard things.

Ruth: There's a review of And Toto Too written by John R. Ziegler and Leah Richards from the Frigid run that reads, "amidst the panoply of dog jokes, there are hints of melancholy, of the tragedy of lost possibilities that creep in culminating in a poignant ending that makes good on its bold performance choice. We can't say that you will gain any courage by seeing And Toto Too, but your brain and your heart will surely thank you." If that's not art imitating life and vice versa, then I don't know what is.

[Music]

Ruth: Megan Quick is a writer and actor based in Brooklyn. You can follow her on instagram at quick dot Megan, that's Q U I C K dot M E G A N. Her production And Toto Too was directed by Cameron Jefts, Charlotte La Nasa, and Alyssa May Gold. It was produced by Dani Turner and Lizzy Lincoln. Technician was Paul Purvine. Choreography was by Carolie Moore. And accompanists were Whitney Wallace and Camille Harris. Megan also wanted to give a huge shout out to her early collaborator, dramaturg, and director Cameron. Per Megan’s email to me, “there would be no Toto without his help and encouragement at its inception.” Special thanks to Adreyuana at Ink to Prosperity. Ink to Prosperity a space that provides personal & career development from a spiritual perspective. You can learn more at ink to prosperity, that's I N K T O prosperity dot com or give her a follow on Instagram @inktoprosperity. While You Create is an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective. We're a community shaping convos around creativity. You can find us at cool girls dot C O and on Instagram @coolgirlscollective. Production music is by LoHi5. You can listen more on Instagram at lo hi the number five dot music. This has been your host Ruth signing out.

Listen to our first episode, dropping in August 2022!

WHILE YOU CREATE is an audio show shaping convos re: creativity. Hosted by Ruth Isabel Guerra, founder of Cool Girls Collective. Check us out online at coolgirls.co and on Instagram @coolgirlscollective. Music by Alexey Anisimov - So Much Fun (Copyright Free Music) from tunetank.com.

Episode Transcript

Ruth: Hello. Hi. How's it going? Welcome to While You Create, a podcast to listen to while you make your next masterpiece. I'm your host Ruth and I'll be taking a deep dive on stories about creativity that might surprise you. Delight you. And in the end, hopefully inspire you. We'll also be playing new tunes from independent artists and doing some meditation and mindfulness sessions. Because you know what, every creative mind needs to clear their heads sometimes. So join us for While You Create, an audio show brought to you by Cool Girls Collective. You can catch us on iTunes, Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts. See you there. Bye!